another girl in her own world..

haven’t been online lately. i blame the internet connection. or lack of it rather. then again kan, macam there’s not really much to update you guys on. life is pretty much the same thing: mundane. been wathching a lot of movies, tho. so far none of the movies have disapponted me. oh, and because little brother has a new addiction to the series friends, i’ve been watching ‘em as well.

i suppose the latest obsession that i’m goin through right now is travelling. Scotland to be precise. eversince my cousin, Abg Long, went there i had this weird fasination about it the cold highland country. hehehehe. as a kid, (i think i was 10) i wanted to go to UK but didn’t have a specific place where in UK. i figured since i have ‘connection’ there, Scotland is where i’d wanna go. theres snow there. so good enough. it didn’t occur to me that by the time i had enough kaching, Abg Long would’ve been loooong gone. hahahaha.. i felt like it just wasn’t meant to be. i wanted to, but didn’t really think much about it. then came form 5, where i had developed an interest in romance novels (or porn books, as B calls ‘em). The Bride by Julie Garwood was the first book ever. the burning love between a Scottish Laird and an English woman. that was probably the first time i blush while reading.

suddenly, i was back in love with Scotland. imagining beautiful, untamed land. with lochs the wind nudge ripples into and open moorland expanses covered with grass. the grandeur of the highlands. *sighing wistfully* i’ve decided that its high time that i vist my old love. i finally have the $$ so far the plan is to visit next year. hopefully, dapat cuti awal.

its going to be a month long vacation. a week in Scotland, 2 weeks or so around europe (France, Italy and Spain) then a few days in UK. well, i’ve only obsessed to that point. a friend told me $6K should be enough. what do you think? also, any tips or places i should go?

btw, rnBs UK, you can bet your ass that i’ll be seeing you. (where else would i stay? :angel: )will msg/email you with full details as soon as its confirmed. hahahaha. iski, much?

sigh.

i think i have lacking/boredom syndrome. i’m 24 and i feel as if i have not done anything significant. i feel like i wanna do something exciting but i have absolutely no idea how and its frustrating!! i can no longer do anything that i want at the drop of a hat. the spontaneity in my life has gone. pffft. vanish. i feel like i wanna do something. rather than just sitting at home or doing mundane things.

sigh.

i think what sets this depressing feeling is the fact that i feel like most of my friends are moving on with their lives. or maybe i’m just an impatient girl. …..well, more so than usual.

all right, thats it. i need to get out of this brooding phase. this is a cry for help,people. what should i do??

B’s grandmother passed away today.

innalillahhiwainnalillahhi rajiun…

my condolences to the family. *hugs*

Al-Fatihah…

the urge to post a blog just hit me eventhough i don’t exactly have a topic in mind. i’m not even sure how i feel right now. there are serious mixed emotions swirling in my head right now.

• happy because i just spent most of the night watching alien vs predator with B along with our siblings. its been days since we went out. so, it felt good to be with him again. (crappy movie,tho.)
• pissed off because pompous c***s still exist in my life. if you really are a friend, you should’ve stopped her before it got too far. whats the point of empty threats when everything is over and done with?? besides, your right to interfere was over when you just let it happened.
• excited because there’s an rnB dinner tommorrow. ….its 3am, so, later.. its waaaaaay overdue, babes.. we should’ve done it earlier.
• annoyed (to the max) because of a lazy and inconsiderate idiot who keeps assuming he’s entitled.

i feel so messed up. sigh. it could be that time of the year. i just have so much time in my hands that i could actually reflect on my life in the big picture. or maybe i just developed a self destructing habit pondering on useless things. huh.

changing the topic. Scotland is in my head suddenly. ever since i found out that Scotland is where abg long went to further his studies, i just had this weird obssesion with it. combined with my sudden interest with romance novels (or porn books as B calls ‘em. :p ) the need to know was greater. hehehe.. one day, i WILL go there. i will breathe in the cold highland air. i will take in all the misty scenary. B, your promise? so looking forward to it.ok, now its 3.30am. sleepy. gonna go now.

some close to the family passed away yesterday. my sincere condolences to the family.

i am asking everyone to please recite al-fatihah when you read this. thank you.

i saw ‘the wife’ today.

the last time that i saw her that was not more than 10 meters was 3 years ago. she was on her way to her car with her husband, my dad. back then, i was still in denial. seeing them together didn’t bring that much pain. my family in tutong was going off for umrah today. so we (my sibs, mom and i) decided to see them fly off. i seriously didn’t expect to see her day. for the past 3 years, every family function that we were invited to, she didnt turn up. so why should this be any different,rite?

so there she was tadi. just sitting innocently next to my angah. i was the first one to realise it was her. i literally stop and walked away in the other direction. once away from the prying eyes, i started crying! tears were forming and free falling readily! i remember thinking “why?? why am i crying??”. i thought i was ready to face her. it has been 3 years. i was even in the early stages of thinking of forgive and forget. obviously, i was wrong. i cried my freakin eyeballs out! in public!! somehow, the pain that i didn’t feel from the time of not seeing her just came at me full blast ahead. it hurt like a mother. maybe if she and i didn’t have a history to begin with, it would’ve hurt less. i was bloody furious and sad at the same time. part of the reason why my family isn’t complete was just sitting there, within arms reach. it took all my strenght to ‘rise above the occasion’ and not slap/kick/punch/cause any physical pain. if looks could kill, she’d be dead ten times over.

i have to give my mom credit. there were sadness in her eyes but she didn’t cry. instead she was comforting her children. hugging us, one by one. she just ignored the wife & chatted with the other family members. thats my mother. *smiles proudly*

unfortunately, lil sis, lil bro and i didn’t have as much strength. whatever we were feeling, it was on our faces: insincere smile, half hearted answers and red eyes. we finally kinda loosen up when B came. (yes, i actually called B to come to the airport). Being the sweetie that he is (& how close his place is to the airport),B came by to comfort me. i know when i think about it, it seem weird to have my boyfriend suddenly show up with so many family members around but i really needed someone. someone who was not emotional and biased to calm me down. ……god. the amount of pain i wanted to inflict..

it doesn’t hurt the fact that ayah doesn’t live here anymore. it doesn’t hurt that i rarely see him. it doesn’t even hurt to talk to him amy more. but when she came into the picture,the pain was enough to bring me to my knees.

i guess i’m not ready..

the date for our convocation has been finalised, 6th september. actually, i’ve known about it for the past few days (weeks?) now but due to work commitments and other distractions (B :D), i completely forgot to tell my parents. so i picked up my phone and started to text me dad a message. as i about to press send, and overwhelming sadness came over me. i had to text messaged my dad. i couldn’t just open my door and shout from my room. i couldn’t ’cause my dad doesn’t live here anymore.

its been three years since my parents divorced. i can’t say it got easier but time does help to make me less sad. with the exception of the occasional emotional moments. we all know that life has its ups and downs. one moment everything is rosy with the sun shining and birds chirping and the next, it just comes around and bites you in the ass. hard. however, you can not let it dictate your life. no matter how traumatic you are. someone once said “experincing a horrific moment does not define who you are but how you handle it.” or something like that. its obvious, i’ve been watching too much feel good movies. but yea.. i’m coping.