another girl in her own world..

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

@#$^$#@!@%^&^!! %$^##$%#%!! *(&(^%%$$#%$#%!!!

………..sigh. my phone’s memory is ..gone. ilang. wiped out. ka-put. gone bye bye. :’( every photos. videos. gone. all of those fun moments that was captured. gone. photos of me and B. gone. Birthdays. Graduation. Outing. gone.

GONE!! GONE!! GONE!! GONE!!!

I already went through to the first four stages of grief:

denial: “nooo.. this can’t be happening.. i can fix this..” *frantically tapping the keyboard*

anger: “stupid #%$^%$#%$*&!! what the $#%@!! why won’t you work??”

bargaining: “maybe if i…..”

depression: writing this blog..

……….siiiigh.. …..pleh..

the urge to post a blog just hit me eventhough i don’t exactly have a topic in mind. i’m not even sure how i feel right now. there are serious mixed emotions swirling in my head right now.

• happy because i just spent most of the night watching alien vs predator with B along with our siblings. its been days since we went out. so, it felt good to be with him again. (crappy movie,tho.)
• pissed off because pompous c***s still exist in my life. if you really are a friend, you should’ve stopped her before it got too far. whats the point of empty threats when everything is over and done with?? besides, your right to interfere was over when you just let it happened.
• excited because there’s an rnB dinner tommorrow. ….its 3am, so, later.. its waaaaaay overdue, babes.. we should’ve done it earlier.
• annoyed (to the max) because of a lazy and inconsiderate idiot who keeps assuming he’s entitled.

i feel so messed up. sigh. it could be that time of the year. i just have so much time in my hands that i could actually reflect on my life in the big picture. or maybe i just developed a self destructing habit pondering on useless things. huh.

changing the topic. Scotland is in my head suddenly. ever since i found out that Scotland is where abg long went to further his studies, i just had this weird obssesion with it. combined with my sudden interest with romance novels (or porn books as B calls ‘em. :p ) the need to know was greater. hehehe.. one day, i WILL go there. i will breathe in the cold highland air. i will take in all the misty scenary. B, your promise? so looking forward to it.ok, now its 3.30am. sleepy. gonna go now.

just found out. P.S. i love you is now a movie!!

Hilary Swank is the main character.. huh. not sure how i feel about that. because :

1. the book has an irish/english feel to it. and well, the movie is american.. (i love the book as it is..) :p
2. most of the book-turned-movie movies are crap. take the Da Vinci code. that was 3 hours of my life i’ll never get back.

speaking of book-turned-movie movies, is it just me? or are most of ‘em crap? they’re such huge disappointments that i had given up hope on anticipating any good new ones. *hmph* oh, harry potter is an exception. then again, i actually saw the movie first then i saw the movie. hehehhe.. yes, i think i’m the only person on earth who has never heard of the book before the movie.

anyways, digressing from the original topic.. P.S. i love you is a book written by Cecelia Ahern. i remember that first time i heard of it. it was from fizah. she pajal-ed me to read a book. i wasn’t to keen on reading about a widower. i mean, someone who was loved died. how was that good reading material? (i was young and naive ) fizah rated the book 9 (or was it 10?) our taste are not quite the same but i decided to give it a try anyway.

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVED IT!!

ok, without trying to spoil the book for those who haven’t read it, the book is about a dead husband helping his wife to move on without him. at the end of each letter he wrote ‘P.S. i love you’ . isn’t that the sweetest/morbid thing you’ve ever heard?? *siiiiiiiiiiiiiiggggggghhhhh* in fact, there was actually a part in the book where i was so touched that i had to put the book down and sob. SOB!! i mean, i’ve felt characters’ emotions before but never to this extent. fact: i sobbed reading a book.

im still debating. i mean, if get my hopes up, theres a big chance the movie will suck. (that always happens) but then again, the movie’s trailer looks good.. (Gerard Butler is the dead husband!!!! *gasp*) click here to check it out urselves..

 the poster is nice,tho.. hehehe..

u know wat? i think i’m gna make myself cry again..

read the book,toots.

some close to the family passed away yesterday. my sincere condolences to the family.

i am asking everyone to please recite al-fatihah when you read this. thank you.

sigh~ saying good bye is never easy… :’(

(will continue later. have tuition class. kid to teach.)

back.

anyway, today i had to say good bye. and i was getting very attached too. *sigh* all good things must come to an end, i suppose.

today was the last day to return the graduation gown. hehe. it had been in my possession for the past month. and i took a lot of photos with me wearing it. waaaay much more than the average person. lesssseeeee, there was the rehearsal, the grad day itself, a studio photo session with my family, a photo session with my frens and another studio photo session with my programme. oh, and a special photo session with B. (rnBs aren’t you proud?? :lol i didnt cry or anything but i was kinda sad. its like saying good bye to a friend who’s been with you throughout a very joyous moment in your life.

another piece of memory to savour.

 good bye, my friend….

i saw ‘the wife’ today.

the last time that i saw her that was not more than 10 meters was 3 years ago. she was on her way to her car with her husband, my dad. back then, i was still in denial. seeing them together didn’t bring that much pain. my family in tutong was going off for umrah today. so we (my sibs, mom and i) decided to see them fly off. i seriously didn’t expect to see her day. for the past 3 years, every family function that we were invited to, she didnt turn up. so why should this be any different,rite?

so there she was tadi. just sitting innocently next to my angah. i was the first one to realise it was her. i literally stop and walked away in the other direction. once away from the prying eyes, i started crying! tears were forming and free falling readily! i remember thinking “why?? why am i crying??”. i thought i was ready to face her. it has been 3 years. i was even in the early stages of thinking of forgive and forget. obviously, i was wrong. i cried my freakin eyeballs out! in public!! somehow, the pain that i didn’t feel from the time of not seeing her just came at me full blast ahead. it hurt like a mother. maybe if she and i didn’t have a history to begin with, it would’ve hurt less. i was bloody furious and sad at the same time. part of the reason why my family isn’t complete was just sitting there, within arms reach. it took all my strenght to ‘rise above the occasion’ and not slap/kick/punch/cause any physical pain. if looks could kill, she’d be dead ten times over.

i have to give my mom credit. there were sadness in her eyes but she didn’t cry. instead she was comforting her children. hugging us, one by one. she just ignored the wife & chatted with the other family members. thats my mother. *smiles proudly*

unfortunately, lil sis, lil bro and i didn’t have as much strength. whatever we were feeling, it was on our faces: insincere smile, half hearted answers and red eyes. we finally kinda loosen up when B came. (yes, i actually called B to come to the airport). Being the sweetie that he is (& how close his place is to the airport),B came by to comfort me. i know when i think about it, it seem weird to have my boyfriend suddenly show up with so many family members around but i really needed someone. someone who was not emotional and biased to calm me down. ……god. the amount of pain i wanted to inflict..

it doesn’t hurt the fact that ayah doesn’t live here anymore. it doesn’t hurt that i rarely see him. it doesn’t even hurt to talk to him amy more. but when she came into the picture,the pain was enough to bring me to my knees.

i guess i’m not ready..

the date for our convocation has been finalised, 6th september. actually, i’ve known about it for the past few days (weeks?) now but due to work commitments and other distractions (B :D), i completely forgot to tell my parents. so i picked up my phone and started to text me dad a message. as i about to press send, and overwhelming sadness came over me. i had to text messaged my dad. i couldn’t just open my door and shout from my room. i couldn’t ’cause my dad doesn’t live here anymore.

its been three years since my parents divorced. i can’t say it got easier but time does help to make me less sad. with the exception of the occasional emotional moments. we all know that life has its ups and downs. one moment everything is rosy with the sun shining and birds chirping and the next, it just comes around and bites you in the ass. hard. however, you can not let it dictate your life. no matter how traumatic you are. someone once said “experincing a horrific moment does not define who you are but how you handle it.” or something like that. its obvious, i’ve been watching too much feel good movies. but yea.. i’m coping.